I know.. forwards are everywhere but sometimes you come across one that's not half bad. So, I thought it's be nice to share it with my eblah peeps as well
If you have any good ones .. please post
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I LOVE IT! thanks for sharing. Terrific. I probably miss out on a huge amount because I will not read Forwarded emails if they have heaps of names and email addresses of other people on them. They go into my junk mail and I delete them without looking. It's not hard if people take the time with a multi mail out to send the original back to your own email addy and hit BCC to add and send to everyone else you want to send it to. That way no-one can see anyone else's email address.
Another one I get forwarded.. suppose with all this Hey Hey stuff happening and it really does get you thinking...
Quoted Text
I have been wondering about why Whites are racists, and no other race is.....
Michael Richards makes his point............... Michael Richards better known as Kramer from TVs Seinfeld does make a good point. This was his defense speech in court after making racial comments in his comedy act. He makes some very interesting points...
Someone finally said it. How many are actually paying attention to this? There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, etc and then there are just Americans.
You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. You call me 'White boy,' 'Cracker,' 'Honkey,' 'Whitey,' 'Caveman'... and that's OK.. But when I call you, black person, Kike, Towel head, Sand-black person, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink .. You call me a racist.
You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you... so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?
You have the United Negro College Fund.
You have Martin Luther King Day.
You have Black History Month.
You have Cesar Chavez Day.
You have Yom Hashoah.
You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi.
You have the NAACP.
You have BET.... If we had WET (White Entertainment Television), we'd be racists.
If we had a White Pride Day, you would call us racists.
If we had White History Month, we'd be racists.
If we had any organization for only whites to 'advance' OUR lives, we'd be racists.
We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce. Wonder who pays for that??
A white woman could not be in the Miss Black American pageant, but any color can be in the Miss America pageant.
If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships... You know we'd be racists.
There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US ..... Yet if there were 'White colleges', that would be a racist college.
In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists.
You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.
You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.
I am proud... but you call me a racist. Why is it that only whites can be racists??
It is estimated that ONLY 5% of those reaching this point in this e-mail, will pass it on.
I am proud to certainly pass it on!
... I feel racist even for posting this but yet - I KNOW it makes some good points... and at the end of the day I am living in 2009 and I have way to many cultures surrounding me with friends and family to know I love everything about difference. So yes, this forward made some good points for me..
"If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships... You know we'd be racists." Mm at my uni there are no scholarships I can apply for as I'm neither poor nor Aboriginal Yet there's a multitude for some races..
Heather when did you check your email to read those, once a year?
haha ... lol that's my bigpond one.. I NEVER check my hotmail.. so, so, so bad with that.. I think all my friends and family just know now if its not sent to bigpond.. dont expect a reply. lol. for 6 months.
Every now and then I can’t resist the urge to reply to some of the unsolicited emails I get. I was just searching through some old documents and found the following from some years back...
First I got this:
FROM:CHARLES BROWN No. 12 Northwest lane Abuja. Private phone:+234 802 680 7970
ATTN: Strictly confidential.
It's my pleasure to contact you for a business venture which I , intend to establish in your country.
Though I have not met with you before but I believe,one has to risk confiding in someone to succeed sometimes in life. There is this huge amount of Twleve million USA dollars ($12,000,000.00) which my late Client in a security storage house here before he was poisoned by unknow persons.Now I decided to invest these money in your country or anywhere safe enough outside the country for security and political reasons.We want you to help us to transfer this fund to your country for investment purposes on the followings below: If you can be of an assistance to us I will be pleased to offer you 20% Of the total fund.
It is very important that you forward to me your full name , your private telephone and fax numbers/occupation,to enable me send all relevant documents pertaining the deposit of this fund to you.
Hence I will not be exposed to avoid loosing the money. I await for your soonest response.
Thank you and God bless you. Sincerely,
CHARLES BROWN. private phone:+234 802 680 7970
So I replied:
Hi there Charlie, how’s your good self and the rest of the gang? Please be sure to give my love to Snoopy, Lucy, Linus and the rest of them.
But seriously, I bet you get tired of all the jokes about working for Peanuts; I bet you wish you had a dollar for every time you heard one of those eh? Well never mind Charlie, it looks like there are a few dollars in the offing now, so it’s all good.
You wrote
“It's my pleasure to contact you”
I’m sure the pleasure is all yours Charlie me old china.
“for a business venture which I , intend to establish in your country”
And it’s so secret that you can’t even say which country that is? Ooooo this IS getting exciting!
“Though I have not met with you before but I believe,one has to risk confiding in someone to succeed sometimes in life.”
Well I think a few politicians, entertainers etc might disagree with you on this one Charlie – confiding hasn’t always brought them success, but that hasn’t diminished my appreciation that, of all the people in the world, you chose to trust ME! You have no idea how warm and fuzzy I’m feeling right now - just like a felt covered wheat bag straight from the microwave.
“There is this huge amount of Twleve million USA dollars ($12,000,000.00)”
Always a wise idea to include the actual figure when you can’t spell the number - kudos Charlie.
“which my late Client in a security storage house here before he was poisoned by unknow persons.”
My goodness gracious!!! You don’t say?!! You mean your client is not late because he couldn’t get a taxi, but he’s late because he was poisoned in a security storage house by persons unknown(n)! What do the global security agencies have to say about that? And have you thought about selling the story to Hollywood? I’m sure there’s a Bruce Willis movie in there somewhere and it could be a nice little sideline earner for you.
“It is very important that you forward to me your full name , your private telephone and fax numbers/occupation,to enable me send all relevant documents pertaining the deposit of this fund to you.”
I’m sure it IS very important. Would you like my account details, passwords, and all the other relevant information you need to access my bank accounts now? It might save asking for them later.
“Thank you and God bless you.”
And God bless you too Charlie Brown. When you access my bank accounts you’ll notice that there isn’t much you can take out, but there’s plenty of room for you to deposit 20% of “Twleve Million.”
Then I heard from Miriam, and thought it might be a good idea to quote her as I replied. So:
“Puoi ora scrivermi a questo indirizzo: m_hajia008@yahoo.it Goodday friend,”
Do I know you?
“I am Mariam Hajia Abacha the wife of the late Nigeria head of state, General Sani Abacha.”
No I don’t. So why are you writing to me to complain about a late husband – hasn’t anyone told you that most husbands are late? It’s a male thing..
“Following the sudden death of my husband General Sani Abacha the late former head of state of Nigeria in june (1998 )”
Oh I see. He’s late as in dead then. So why didn’t you say you were his widow. It would have saved a lot of confusion. Hmm...this is starting to sound familiar.
“I have been thrown into a state of utter confusion, frustration and hopelessness by the present civilian administration”
Yes that sounds very familiar. We appear to have a fellow feeling going on here gurl�
“I have been subjected to physical and psychological torture by the security agents in the country.”
Hmm... Still with you...sort of...I’ve been subjected to advertising so I can understand...
“My son was under detention arraigned before the federal high court of Nigeria for an offence he did not commit.”
Oh, I’m definitely back with you again. My son got detention for an offence he reckoned he didn’t commit: some teachers are crap judges.
“As a widow that is so traumatized, I have lost confidence with anybody within the country.”
Quite right too! Much better to trust a complete stranger, isn’t it?
“You must have heard over the media reports and the internet on the recovery of various huge sums of money deposited by my husband in different security firms abroad, some companies willingly give up their secrets and disclosed our money confidently lodged there or many outright blackmail.”
Must I? Can’t say I have heard, but maybe this explains why you’ve been having a few problems. People do insist on getting peeved when they think that somebody in power is ripping off the wealth of the people.
“In fact the total sum discovered by the Government so far is in the tune of ($700). Million dollars.”
Goodness gracious! They’ve traced $700 million already! How much DID your late husband rip off then? I’m starting to feel a bit morally outraged here!
“And they are not relenting to make me poor for life.”
Can’t say I blame them.
“I got your contacts through my personal research”
You did?
“and out of desperation decided to reach you through this medium.”
So who’s the medium then? And is (s)he happy? It’s important to know because I always aim for a happy medium, and quite often I strike it – but not hard enough for assault charges.
“I will give you more information as to this regard as soon as you reply. I repose great confidence in you hence my approach to you due to security network placed on my day to day affairs”
Ahhh...my reputation must be more widespread than I imagined. I DO try to help people, it’s true, but I still have this problem of moral outrage at you and your late husband and son ripping off the poor people of Nigeria.
“I cannot afford to visit the embassy”
Oh, so did the $700 million they found clean you out?
“so that is why I decided to contact you and I hope you will not betray my confidence in you.
I have deposited the sum of ($15)million dollars with a security firm abroad whose name is witheld for now until we open communication.”
Oh I see it didn’t clear you out then.
“I shall be grateful if you could receive this fund into your account for safe keeping.”
Does that mean I get a cut? If so, why the hell didn’t you say so right at the start? All that time wasted in moral outrage!!!...
“This arrangement is known to you and my son Mustapha alone, so my son will deal directly with you as security is up my whole being.”
Must be a cultural difference security is more likely to be up the backside here.
“I am seriously considering to settle down abroad in a friendly atmosphere like yours as soon as this fund get into your account so that I can start all over again if only you wish”
How about you seriously consider somewhere else? Australia has enough people ripping off the system as it is.
“but if it is impossible,just help me in diverting this fund into your account which will accrue you (30%) of this fund.”
That’s more than 20% of $12 million, isn’t it?
WELL SCREW YOU CHARLIE BROWN!!!
“Please honesty is the watch word in this transaction.”
You said it sista!!!!! Mind you I doubt that honesty had much to do with the $700 million you mentioned earlier.
“I will require your telephone and fax numbers so that we can commence communication immediately and I will give you a more detailed picture of things.”
Hang on and I’ll just go and copy and paste from Charlie’s email.
“In case you dont accept please do not let me out to the security as I am giving you this information in total trust and confidence .I will greatly appreciate if you accept my proposal in good faith. Please expedite action.May your heart desire be granted as you are willing to help me and my family, Amen. Best Regards Mariam Hajia Abacha.”
Well bless you too Mariam. Aunty Bev
................................................
Oddly enough, I never heard back from Charlie or Miriam during the following week, but while I was waiting for their replies, I had the happy thought of introducing them to each other – so I emailed them both:
Dear Charlie and Mariam,
As your mutual friend, I’m sure you’ll understand that it is with your best interests at heart that I introduce you to each other.
Needless to say, I would never breach either of your trust in me by betraying details, but you two simply wouldn’t believe how much you have in common! I’m totally convinced you must be soulmates.
Seriously, you both know what it’s like to have people who suddenly become late not due to traffic jams, and you both seem to be living a Jackie Collins novel, but without the sex.
And...
Coincidentally enough, you both have millions of good reasons to start a new life.
So why don’t you soulmates do it together?
Forget the pre-nup, why pay a lawyer when the perpetual battle to rip each other off will add such spice to the marriage? What I reckon you should do is pool the millions and buy an island somewhere NOT off the coast of Australia and create a sort of cross between Mustique and Fantasy Island for all the people with similar stories to your own. There seem to be an increasing number of them emailing me, so I’m certain that you’ll never run out of customers. And think what fun you two can have working together to rip them off.
It’s hard to imagine a jollier future, isn’t it? And maybe Charlie Brown can bring along Lucy to keep Mustapha company.
It’s the happy ever after ending that you both so richly deserve.
Cheers, Aunty Bev
PS: Please make sure that all first class accommodation is prebooked and prepaid before you email my wedding invitation and include a sizable donation to cover my out of pocket expenses. I’ll check with the local airport re the Lear Jet coming in to pick me up, and I’ll ground all flying pigs for the occasion.
It’s amazing what you find when you’re searching through old stuff!
Here’s an Aunty type post that I made in a discussion about “Happiness”. The thing that amused me about this piece of writing was that I posted it in a closed forum and, about four months later, it came back to me as a forwarded email – credited to anonymous.
It was forwarded by a friend who was NOT a member of the closed forum. She said that it sounded like me.
Happiness is a fine champagne - it bubbles, sparkles and for the short time it, and its after effects, lasts, it transports you from your everyday world.
Contentment is freshly squeezed orange juice- it’s simple, healthy, takes a little work, and if you’re determined to experience you can taste the warmth of the sun.
Acceptance is water -not particularly exciting, always palatable, not always plentiful but essential for life.
Unhappiness is aloe gel juice - never palatable and sometimes extremely bitter and hard to swallow, but it has medicinal and healing properties and once you’re healed the memory of the bad taste fades.
Depression and despair is arsenic - not necessarily fatal in one dose but it has a cumulative effect.
Don’t be fooled by the advertisements that tell you that you deserve champagne 24/7 and you’ll have it if you do/buy this that or the other. Too much champagne is poisonous. Champagne is meant to be special and rare. Don’t actively seek it but just keep an eye out and, if a glass is on offer, take it, drain it, and savour every second.
Try for a bit of freshly squeezed orange juice every day - even if it’s a bit of an effort squeezing an orange and the orange isn’t particularly juicy. Look for the small contentments: a heartfelt hug, a minute or two in the sun watching a lizard scurry about his life, make a stranger smile and let that smile warm you, turn off the phones and lower your aching bones into a bath, kick off your shoes and put your feet up for just five precious minutes. Whatever it is, however brief it is, find the little moments of contentment when you can.
You need many glasses of water every day or you’ll never flush the toxins from your system. Yes, you should always challenge yourself - you won’t grow otherwise - but you also need lots of daily acceptance - even if it’s only a case of “Well I’ve done everything I can do for now and tomorrow is another day.”
Every now and then you get an injury that just doesn’t seem to heal in a hurry. Aloe juice is good for that. It might not be what you’d chose but s**t happens and you just have to work your way through it knowing that eventually, sooner or later, there will be another time when you’re not having to drink it. If you’ve trained yourself to find little bits of contentment, that freshly squeezed orange juice can kill the taste for a little while before the next drink of aloe juice.
Some people seem to get through life without truly recognizing the taste of arsenic: others aren’t so lucky. Arsenic is, of course, deadly. And if you’re not careful you might even fail to recognize that you’re tasting it. Get help.
TWENTY DOLLARS On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouth shut.
My lovely mum sent me this one.. it made me laugh.
Believe it or not, These are Memphis , TN 's real 911 Calls!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich . Dispatcher: Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher: Was anything else taken? Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid...
My Personal Favorite!!! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is...
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn.... I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No! Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility...
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English"...
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze dr em of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl... < it did and I have; thanks LB!
'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'winkle' the nurse had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'
I worked out for the first time (in a LONG time) on Friday.. and my ribs suzi are STILL sore!! It honestly hurts to lie down or pull myself up off the couch/bed...
The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
An Aboriginal man in CEDUNA goes to the hospital with a problem - he just can' t stop jogging or stand still! 'Hey white doctor,' says Dingo Jack. 'What ya tink is makin' me run all over the place. It's too puckin' hot for dat s**t!' The doctor says. 'It's got me beat but, hey, I might have a cure!' The doctor puts two rows of white powder on his desk and tells Dingo Jack to snort them. The black man does as the doctor asks and immediately stops jogging up and down and stands dead still... 'Puck me drunk, it worked. Is dat cocaine?' he asks the doctor. 'No,' the doctor replies. 'It's Omo - guaranteed to stop coloureds from running!!!'
He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said to me . . ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart
He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay? I said to him .. . They don't have time
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened.
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking? I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.
He said.. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? I said. . . A widow.
He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women? I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Thanks to LB for sending this one; he keeps me e-mail chuckling on a regular basis.
9 Months Later...
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney...
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' said Bob
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes !,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TYRES: TYres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'
'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'
'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'
'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...
'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete d**k.'
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American .
He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, New Zealand. In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.
The American decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone.
He arrived at the Gold Coast, in Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Australia now, son - "This is Heaven," so it's a local call'.
For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?' Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realise it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it will take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of jocks out of his drawer. 'What the hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum Powder in my underwear?'
(wait for it!)
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!
Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk guy led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.
'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friends asked. 'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied. 'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'
'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'
'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.
'Just watch' he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.
His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.
Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
'For f*#k's sake, you stupid pri*#. It's ten past three in the f*#king morning!!!'
In South Sydney, a fire destroyed a multi story block of flats. A Polynesian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.
An Islamic group of seven Pakistani welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.
Six Maori ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.
Four Aboriginal families in the 2 flats on the 4th floor also perished.
One white couple lived on the top floor. They survived.
Relatives of the deceased and local do-gooders were furious. They flew into Sydney and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Islanders, Muslims, Maoris and Aboriginals all died in the fire and only the white couple survived.
The fire chief quietly replied, "They were both at work."
I know that I haven't talked to you that much recently, but this past year you have taken away my favourite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favourite actress, Farah Fawcett, and my favourite musician, Michael Jackson.
I just wanted to let you know that my favourite talk show host is Eddie McGuire.
A study revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. If she is ovulating, she is attracted to a man with rugged and masculine features. If she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected.
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. 10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . .
A man went into Centrelink and saw a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read;
"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Albany."
"My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.
She answered, "No sir, that's where the end of the queue is."
A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'
ANZ: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
ANZ: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
ANZ: 'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
ANZ: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her being dead?'
ANZ: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone: Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'
ANZ: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
ANZ: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)
ANZ: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member: 'Sure.' ( fax number is given )
After they get the fax:
ANZ: 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'
ANZ: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'
Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
ANZ: 'That might help.'
Family Member: ' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 1049.'
ANZ: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'Well, what the *#*# do you do with dead people on your planet?'
Logged
Yet there's a multitude for some races..
Heather when did you check your email to read those, once a year? 
on my face! 
