Dear Lord,

I know that I haven't talked to you that much recently, but this past year you have taken away my favourite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favourite actress, Farah Fawcett, and my favourite musician, Michael Jackson.

I just wanted to let you know that my favourite talk show host is Eddie McGuire.

Amen

A study revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. If she is ovulating, she is attracted to a man with rugged and masculine features. If she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected.

us women are so fickle,  Paula  

I like this one...though it is similar to others I have read before....


The Australian Medical Association has weighed in on the new Rudd health care proposals.

    

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

    

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

    

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

    

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

    

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

    

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

    

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

    

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

    

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

    

The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't  have the heart to say no.

    

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arse-holes in  Canberra .

^ROFL^

Yes I've heard something similar, but it still makes me chuckle.  

11 PEOPLE ... ON A ROPE

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave,
because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . .

A man went into Centrelink and saw a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read;

"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist.   You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Albany."

"My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.

She answered, "No sir, that's where the end of the queue is."

A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:

Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in January.'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

ANZ:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

ANZ:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

ANZ:
'Excuse me?'

Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you . . . The part about her being dead?'

ANZ:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

ANZ:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

ANZ:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member:
'No, I'm her great nephew.'
(Lawyer info given)

ANZ:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member:
'Sure.'
( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

ANZ:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

ANZ:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'

Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'

ANZ:
'That might help.'

Family Member:
' Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 1049.'

ANZ:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member:
'Well, what the *#*# do you do with dead people on your planet?'