I'll start...

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Two blondes walk into a building...you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Please direct all your concerns regarding Blonde Jokes to PAULA!

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A blonde breaks down at the side of the road and calls RACQ.  The mechanic arrives and starts to look things over, and within a few minutes the car is idling smoothly.
Blonde, "What's the story?"    
Mechanic, "Just crap in the carburetor."
Blonde, "How often do I have to do that?"

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?

   Ten.

   1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;

   2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to
   be changed;

   3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;

   4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing
   the light bulb or for eternal darkness;

   5. One to give a billion-dollar, no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new
   light bulb;

   6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a
   step ladder under the banner 'Bulb Accomplished';

   7. One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was
   literally 'in the dark' the whole time;

   8. One to viciously smear No. 7;

   9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had
   a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;

   10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between
   screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

Three blonde sisters went to a garage sale and bought a Genie lamp and took it home.

When they got home the Genie came out and said: "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."
The first said, "I wish I were more intelligent." So the Genie turned her into redhead.
The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than her." She became a brunette.
The third blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than both of them."
So the Genie turned her into a man.

oooh red you're gonna get slapped fer that one rofl!

I have one but I better run it by the moderator first...

Back to Bush...

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"  

Warning:  If you have better "standards" than me, please be cautious when reading the following.



We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all been working in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P. F. N.): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of the Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS: Seldom-used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. You can also use that moment to noisily procure a handful of toilet paper.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a
girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but
there was no passion.

So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest
for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too
emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a
drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
suicide.

So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was
boring. She was totally predictable and never got
excited about anything.

Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl
with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't
keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to
another,
never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous
things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me
miserable as often as happy. She was great fun
initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with
her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her.
She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took
everything I owned.

I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with very big tits

hehe I thought this was funny...

http://www.imgag.com/product/full/ap/3067907/graphic1.swf

I scored 4!

(get ready to groan)
 
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

(wait for it)

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Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."

lol, you just couldn't resist could you?

I've seen this circualte a couple of times:

ROFL @ this

Once: upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
 
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the  perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
     
Question: Who was the survivor?
     
(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)


Answer:
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The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed  in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
     
**** Men keep scrolling.
                 




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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
     

Men Keep scrolling...
   


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By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

This is an email joke I got and laughed when i read it. Here it is:


Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table.  And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks:
"Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!  Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, you tart, I'm married!

Broken furniture       $85.26
Hot Breakfast          $4.20
Red Rose bud          $3.00
Two Aspirins           $0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless...

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husb and asked
for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30
years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes
and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her
husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was
going though a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another
position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore,
they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of
deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which
were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of
the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for
sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her
savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth
over $3 million,
her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found
his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths
shut.....

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I'll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule
To NEVER tell a human that
The world is really ruled by CATS!

~ Author Unknown

^ ^ ^ so true!. . "Dogs have Masters. . Cats have STAFF".

You know you're a cat lover when you type using no capital letters because there's a cat on your arm preventing you from using the shift key.

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A guy was working in his garden over the weekend and looking around, he realised that he couldn't find the rake. He looked up at the bedroom window and saw his wife was about to take a shower.

He yelled up to his wife, "Where is the rake?!!" She couldn't hear him, so she shouted back, "What?!!" He pointed to his eye, then to his knee and made a raking motion. When his wife wasn't sure, she called out "WHAT???!!!" He repeated the gestures, "Eye - Kneed - the Rake"

His wife signalled with a thumbs-up that she understood and signalled back. She first pointed to her eye, then to her left breast, then she pointed to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell he could even come close to that one. Exasperated, he went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that???" She replied, "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - the Bush"!!!

     




One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.

After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.

The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"

The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see!"

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.

Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"

The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!"

She replies, "Oh, I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.

"Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?"

"Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly, "That's ma'rope!"

She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.

"Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"

Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"

"No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.


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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."


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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.


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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.


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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.


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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.


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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.


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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.


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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Q. What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and Van Nguyen's mother?

A. She'll be bringing home the ashes.

=========================================================

Q. What's a new name for drug trafficers?

A. Dope on a rope or Singapore Swingers

Quoted from bigdick1701

Q. What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and Van Nguyen's mother?

A. She'll be bringing home the ashes.

=========================================================

Q. What's a new name for drug trafficers?

A. Dope on a rope or Singapore Swingers

amusing - but cutting! Were you hiding behind the door when they did sensativity training Q Ball!

PS I was to, I am sending those around to friends!  

Geez Q Ball, just geez!

Cactus, that cat poem is awesome.

A 5-year old boy was visiting his Grandma, playing with toys while she was dusting her bedroom. He looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"  Grandma replied, "Honey, I DO. My TV is my boyfriend. It keeps me company all day long, and in the evenings I can watch it in here from my bed. The TV preachers make me feel good, the comedies make me laugh and the dramas keep my mind off my own problems. Yes, dear, the TV is my boyfriend!" Grandma went over to turn on the TV but the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, turning the aerial, trying to get a focused picture. Finally, frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV,hoping to jar it into focus.  Just then the doorbell rang. The little boy ran to answer it and there was his grandma's minister. "Hello, son," the minister said, "Is your grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." ...

The minister fainted!

1. Men are like ..Laxatives...They irritate the crapout of you.
2. Men are like .Bananas...The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like .Weather... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .Blenders... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .Chocolate Bars... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like .Commercials... You can't believe all they say.
7. Men are like .Department Stores... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like .Government Bonds... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .Mascara... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .Popcorn... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like .Snowstorms... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like .Lava Lamps... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like .Parking Spots... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Quoted from SuziH

8. Men are like .Government Bonds... They take soooooooo long to mature.

ROFL too funny!

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

At the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!

"IMPOSSIBLE!" said the groom broom.

Wait for it...




































"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"  

   

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Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Pat were sitting on a park
bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from
across thepark.

The man came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, opened his
trench coat and exposed himself.


Gertrude and Maude both had a stroke.


But Pat, being older and feebler, bless her heart, couldn't reach that
far.

A northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager, "Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute. The pig's ok but he's stuck in the bull bar at the front of my ute and is wriggling & squealing so much I cannot get him out".

The manager says "Okay there's a 303 behind the seat, take it out and shoot the pig in the head & you'll be able to remove him".

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back. "I did as you said boss. Took the 303 and shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on."

"Now what's the problem?" raged the manager. "Well Boss, it's his motor bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right front wheel arch..."

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

Little Johnny says "Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies?"

His mom says, "Why, a stork, little Johnny."

Little Johnny says, "Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies?"

His mom says, "A raven, dear."

Little Johnny then says, "Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all?"

His mom says, "A swallow!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi, you dumb f*ck. Someone has stolen our tent."

lol m8 i enjoy good jokes,

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.

The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly.

He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."

"No sh*t?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued. "Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'" "Keep going!" "I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss." POOF!

"The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, 'You now have three wishes.' I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, 'I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger.' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, 'What will be your second wish?''"

"What next?" begged the bartender. "I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

"Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, 'You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?'. I looked at her and replied, 'How about a little head?'"

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest biker in the face and says, "I went by your Grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine-looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your Grandma and she is good - the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell yo u something else, boy. Grandma liked It!" At this point, the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes, and says, "Grandpa... Go home, you're drunk!"

heh heh heh

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks
his little thingy through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"...

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

A couple, both aged 70, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor
asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the
doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."

The doctor charged them $82 for the session. This happened several
weeks in a row: the couple would make an appointment, have
intercourse with no apparent problems, pay the doctor, and then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man replied, "We're not trying to find anything out. She's
married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to
my house. The Sheraton charges $90 and the Hilton charges $108. We do
it here for $82, and I get $68 back from Medicare."

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for many  years....



He had a dam in the back paddock, fixed up really great: picnic

tables, horseshoe courts and some mango and avocado tree's The

dam was properly shaped and set up for swimming when it was

originally built. One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to

the back paddock and check out the dam, as he hadn't been there

for a while.



He took a five gallon bucket with him, to bring back some fruit.



As the neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and lots of  laughter.



As he came closer he saw a bunch of young women skinny-

dipping in the dam.



He made the women aware of his presence and they all swam

towards the deep end of the dam. One of the women called out:

"We're not coming out until you go away."



The old farmer replied, "I didn't come down to perve on you

ladies swimming naked, or to make you get out of the dam."



Holding up the bucket, he said: "I just came down to feed the  crocodile."



Moral of the story.......    Old men might walk slow, but they can still think fast.

The world's shortest fairytale

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?"  The guy said no and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook and farted whenever she wanted.

The end.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi,
you dumb a**. It tell me someone stolen tent."

A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him.

He takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have."

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite, baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the
apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on
and chases after her.

He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that?

The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw
how short the fuse was."  

For The Ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he
shouted to Me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

-----------------------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world"

The woman says, "I'll miss you..."

-----------------------------------------------------------

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of
the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed
the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

-----------------------------------------------------------

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you
really badly.

She said - Well, you succeeded.

-----------------------------------------------------------

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit
on the sofa and fart.

-----------------------------------------------------------


He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said -Turn sideways and look in the mirror

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

-----------------------------------------------------------

A PRAYER....

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung?

A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the
noose.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: one---he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve
around him.

OR Three -- one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him
brag about the screwing part.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?

A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every
woman to satisfy his one need.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination."

Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right; is the captain a woman? I think I better have a scotch and soda.' When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?" "Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female." "My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit. Now it's the box office."

A blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits."

Ok, this is one of my all-time favourite jokes.. but not everyone 'gets' it. It takes some ppl a minute or two, then they go. "Oh.. right..." and it's all a bit of an anti-climax. Here goes..


Two goldfish are in a tank, right? One turns to the other and says, "I'll man the guns, you drive."

boom*tish*

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"



LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"



QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"



CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".





WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"





WOMEN'S HUMOR

Nora's husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, she squirted it all over the doorknobs and he couldn't get back in.



A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you."

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the dining room table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?" "Yes, I remember." says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when she shoved a shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that, too." she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says; "I would have gotten out today."

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy,
she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could
only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"
"Very good," said her mother.


"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.  

"Yes, It's because your blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy,
Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the
other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!"
"Very good," said her mother.


"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, It's because your blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy
Mommy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were
showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted up
her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed
mother.


"Is it because I'm Blonde, Mommy?"

"No Honey, Its because you're 24."

My sister-in-law, who is a soldier in the Salvation Army, sent me these...

Christian One Liners

Don't let your worries get the
best of you;  remember, Moses started
out as a basket case.


Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited
until you try to sit in their pews.


Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.


It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.


The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.


When you get to your wit's end,  you'll find God lives there.


People are funny;  they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.



Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.



Quit griping about your church;  if it was perfect,  you couldn't belong.



If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.



God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead.  So why should you?



Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.



Peace starts with a smile.



I don't know why some people change churches;  what difference does it make which one you stay home from?



A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.



We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.



Be ye fishers of men.  You catch them - He'll clean them.


Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.


Don't put a question mark where God put a period.



Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.



Forbidden fruits create many jams.



God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.



God grades on the cross, not the curve.



God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"


God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.



He who angers you, controls you!



If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!



Prayer:

Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!



The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.



The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.



We don't change the message, the message changes us.



You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to..........discourage him.



The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given.

Duane rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he is there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Duane smiles at the young lady and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on underneath. Poor Duane breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming.."
He goes with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed Duane stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She's astounded, "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100 percent natural. My buns - they are firm and don't sag, and have no cellulite. Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars. Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?"

Clearing his throat once again, Duane stammers, "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me"

If we take the "F" from cough and the "I" from women, then take the "SH" from station. Fish should really be spelt  . .  ghoti = fish.  

A bear, a lion and a chicken were sitting in the pub,

downing a few beers and shooting the breeze.

They were bragging how tough they were.

The bear said,

"When I roar in the forest, the whole forest trembles!"

"That's nothing,"

said the lion,

"When I roar in the jungle, the whole jungle shakes in fear!"

The chicken just laughed and said,

"Well I just have to sneeze and the whole world sh*ts itself!"

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it.

As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped her. Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a sales person didn't pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman.

With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just by touching it, you are going to s**t yourself when you hear the price.


A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.

Bear says: "If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest is shivering with fear."


Lion says: "And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire savannah is afraid of me."


Says the chicken: "Big deal. I only have to cough, and the entire planet wets itself."

I'm gonna get flak for this one.   

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting.

He enquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look  what I've made" said God. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said,  "What is it?"

"Its a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and its going to be a great place of
balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth,
"For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth
While South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot.
Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people."

God continued, pointing to the different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, "What's that?"

"Ah," said God. "That's South Australia, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful people, impressive towns; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians.
The people from South Australia are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world.
They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and  they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,"What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the wankers I'm putting next to them in Victoria."

Q: What is an Australian Kiss?

A: Its like a French Kiss, only Down Under  

here's some more...

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period
for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and
buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know! The girl picks up the phone and makes a
call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature
and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very
expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the
living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation,
but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail
stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
2,000,000 bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage...

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him:

"You'll f@ck her again!





An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill
a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who
were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them
one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing
to the man on his right.

The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no
forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the
fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he
asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it
ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very
popular cliché for speed." as he turned to the third man who was
contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the
wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out
across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant."
Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought
he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said.
Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that
the fastest thing known is diarrhea."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I
wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think,
blink or turn on the light, I'd s**t my pants!"



I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so We decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was My mother-in-law to be.
She was a career woman, smart,  but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted me,
quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.

One day, she called me and asked me to come over,  to check the invitations. So I went.
She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she
had feelings and  desires for me that she can't overcome. So before I get married and commit my
life to her daughter, she wants to make love to me just once.. What could I say? I was in total
shock, and  couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you  are up for it,
just Come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there
for a moment, and then turned  around and went to the Front door... I opened it, and stepped out
of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me  and said,
we are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better
man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car.





One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten
years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.  "It's certainly not a
ship," he thinks to himself.  As the speck gets closer and closer,
he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a  drop dead gorgeous blonde
woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, "Tell me, how long has
it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the
stunned man.  With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket
on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.  He takes one,
lights it, takes a long drag and says," Man, oh Man!  Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she
asks him.  Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her  right sleeve, pulls out a flask and
hands it to him.  He opens the flask,takes a long swig and says, "Wow,
that's absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that
runs down the  front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively and
asks, "And how long  has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the guy  falls to his knees and sobs,
"Oh, sweet Jesus!  Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there
too?!"

The new Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the
celibacy rules, he occasionally feels the need to exercise the right wrist,
and this was one of these occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture
of the holy seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the
reputation of the Catholic Church.".

"This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer. "I'll be financially
secure for life."

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots
of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million quid. The
Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera.

He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. "That looks like a really
good camera," she said, "how much did it cost you?"

"Two million quid" replied the Pope.





"TWO MILLION QUID!" said the housekeeper.............






"They must have seen you coming."

I man in his sixty's goes to the doctor and says that his wife is going deaf, the doctor tells him if he can evaluate how bad she is by going home and say something to her about 40 feet away, if she does not answer then move closer to about 30 feet and if no response keep moving closer until she hears you, so the Man goes home to his wife and sits in the living room his wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner so he thinks this is about 40 feet, he asked his wife what she is cooking for dinner....he got no reply so he moves to the living room door and asks again what she is cooking for dinner....still no reply so her moves down the hall a bit further and asked again, still no reply so he goes to the kitchen and asks what she is cooking for dinner and his wife turns round and says to him Ive just told you 4 times we having roast chicken.....

My husband and I were sitting in the living room watching TV and he said to me, "Just so you know . .  I never want to live in a vegetative state, depending  on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."  

A Teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Karl said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.


Next little Emilie raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is: 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."


"That was a fine story Emilie. Mick, do you have a story to share?"


"Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was bottles of rum, a machine gun and a machete. She drank all the rum on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."


"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?"


"Stay the heck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been on the booze!"

I'd remove that link if it wasn't (slightly) amusing.

Keep it clean guys  

Quoted from Devman

I'd remove that link if it wasn't (slightly) amusing.

Keep it clean guys  

Sorry mate, I have deleted it myself........

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said "Waiter, I'm a little confused, but these are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now, the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK?)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!)

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me!  


I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north.  After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my fanny and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek. (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself…RRRRIIIPPP!

I'm blind!  Blinded from pain! OH MY GOD!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.  CRAP!  Another deep breath and RRIIPP! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out, must stay conscious..

Do I hear crashing drums?  Breathe, breathe.  OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.  I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it. Where is the hair?  WHERE IS THE WAX?  Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch.  I am touching wax. CRAP!  I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!  I hear the slamming of a cell door.  Fanny?  Sealed shut! Butt?  Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax?  Hot water!  Hot water melts wax!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!  

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her...I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH Right! I should be the joke of someone else’s night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to  scraping the wax off with a razor.  Nothing feels better then to have  your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!  By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counselling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace...the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!  The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.  It’s so painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS! It works!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair...



So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.  Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair colour...

Lol, some of these jokes are gr8. I'll give you one my old chem teacher gave me, it's funny because it's stupid.

Q. Where do you put the dishes?

A. In the Zinc.

Get it, Zinc...chemistry

lol...what a story paula  

i was reading it wondering whether this is real or not and whether there was going to be a joke at the end...either way i felt the pain!

but what is wrong with having a hairy who-ha? embrace your hirsuteness!

Quoted from coctosan

...but what is wrong with having a hairy who-ha? embrace your hirsuteness!

having been through some of what was described in that story, I'll second that comment  

taht reminds me of the Coopers ale commercial  

    From aboriginal comedian King Billy Cokebottle

I was travellin' in the outback one day with my friend Morton, when off in the distance we  see a booze bus (police). Morton thinks this is great and heads straight for it. We pulls up and Morton winds his window down and says "Two cans of Emu Export thanks mate! "

The copper looks at me and Morton and says "You must be drunk!

Get out of the car and blow into this tube for me." Morton got out of the car and said "Sorry boss, I can't blow in that. I got a letter

from the doc saying I'm asthmatic and I'll pass out if I blow in that."

The cop looks at him and with a bemused look and says "OK. In these  cases we require you to give a blood sample."

"Nah nah sorry boss. Can't be doin that. I got a letter from the Red Cross saying I'm a Haemophiliac and I could bleed to death.

Sorry boss, can't do that," said Morton.

By now the copper is getting fairly irate and finally demands a urine sample for testing.

Morton looks at him and says "Sorry boss, can't do that either." The copper says "Surely you can't have a letter for that!!! "

"Bloody oath mate." says Morton. "It's from the government. Says that you whites cant take the piss out of us blackfellas no more..

Quoted from Lawnbowler

    From aboriginal comedian King Billy Cokebottle

I was travellin' in the outback one day with my friend Morton, when off in the distance we  see a booze bus (police). Morton thinks this is great and heads straight for it. We pulls up and Morton winds his window down and says "Two cans of Emu Export thanks mate! "

The copper looks at me and Morton and says "You must be drunk!

<SNIP>

"Bloody oath mate." says Morton. "It's from the government. Says that you whites cant take the piss out of us blackfellas no more..

Just had to give you some kudos for sharing that one Lawnbowler!! That has to be the funniest joke I've heard in a long time!!! Seriously, I just read that and have spent the last 8 full minutes chortling uncontrollably here at the computer.  

As a matter of fact I'm going to take it along to uni and pass it along to some of my Sociology Lecturers... the Indigenous Studies lecturer will love it!! Ta!  

GOLF

A man staggered into hospital with concussion, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.   The doctor asked what had happened.  The man replied, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when, at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.  We went to look for them and while I was searching around, I noticed one of the cows had something lodged in its rear.   I walked over, lifted its tail and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, right in the middle of the cow's backside.  Still holding up the cow's tail, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey this looks like yours!' "

I am merging the two Joke threads on this board. Cheers all

Thanks Suzi, even though I posted the thread 3 months before Lawnbowler did, I'm not averse to his title being the "Dominant" in the partnership.

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings,tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday,I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, John.


P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.


*************


There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I."


***********************


After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the kerb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!!"

Hahahaha coctosan those are funny!

LawnB that aboriginal guy joke is stupid he sounds like a d*ckhead :O

How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb???



1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
1 to move it to the Lighting section.
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section.
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
5 to flame the spell checkers.
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames.
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum.
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Quoted from coctosan

How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb???



1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
1 to move it to the Lighting section.
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section.
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
5 to flame the spell checkers.
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames.
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum.
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too".
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Ahahaahaha that is soooooooo funny!!!!!

A man went into the vegie shop and asked for a kilo of tomatoes.The shopkeeper told him come back in a week.The man returns the next day, and again asks for a kilo of tomatoes. The shopkeeper again replies to return in a week. The man goes back the next day and again asks for a kilo of tomatoes.The shopkeeper replies: "What do you get if take the c out of cat?" "At." "What do you get if you take the d out of dog?" "Og." "What do you get if you take the f out of tomatoes?"There is no f in tomatoes," the man replied."Thats what I have been trying to tell you!"

Superman was feeling bored after a long day of crime fighting and wanted
>to go out and party,
>so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some
>girls. Batman said
>Robin was ill and he had to look after him.
>A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a
>few beers.
>Spiderman told him he had a date with Cat woman. As a last resort,
>Superman flew
>over to Wonder woman's apartment to see if she was free.
>As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder woman naked on the bed with
>her legs open.
>
>Superman thought to himself: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could
>be in there,
>have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening".
>So Superman did his Super Thing in a split second and flew off happily.
>Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder woman said: "Did you hear something?"
>"No" said the Invisible Man, "but my a** hurts like hell!".

Hehe, good one!