I was travellin' in the outback one day with my friend Morton, when off in the distance we see a booze bus (police). Morton thinks this is great and heads straight for it. We pulls up and Morton winds his window down and says "Two cans of Emu Export thanks mate! "
The copper looks at me and Morton and says "You must be drunk!
Get out of the car and blow into this tube for me." Morton got out of the car and said "Sorry boss, I can't blow in that. I got a letter
from the doc saying I'm asthmatic and I'll pass out if I blow in that."
The cop looks at him and with a bemused look and says "OK. In these cases we require you to give a blood sample."
"Nah nah sorry boss. Can't be doin that. I got a letter from the Red Cross saying I'm a Haemophiliac and I could bleed to death.
Sorry boss, can't do that," said Morton.
By now the copper is getting fairly irate and finally demands a urine sample for testing.
Morton looks at him and says "Sorry boss, can't do that either." The copper says "Surely you can't have a letter for that!!! "
"Bloody oath mate." says Morton. "It's from the government. Says that you whites cant take the piss out of us blackfellas no more..
I was travellin' in the outback one day with my friend Morton, when off in the distance we see a booze bus (police). Morton thinks this is great and heads straight for it. We pulls up and Morton winds his window down and says "Two cans of Emu Export thanks mate! "
The copper looks at me and Morton and says "You must be drunk!
<SNIP>
"Bloody oath mate." says Morton. "It's from the government. Says that you whites cant take the piss out of us blackfellas no more..
Just had to give you some kudos for sharing that one Lawnbowler!! That has to be the funniest joke I've heard in a long time!!! Seriously, I just read that and have spent the last 8 full minutes chortling uncontrollably here at the computer.
As a matter of fact I'm going to take it along to uni and pass it along to some of my Sociology Lecturers... the Indigenous Studies lecturer will love it!! Ta!
"Fry, this isn't TV, it's real life, can't you tell the difference?" "Sure, I just like TV better."
A man staggered into hospital with concussion, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. The doctor asked what had happened. The man replied, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when, at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was searching around, I noticed one of the cows had something lodged in its rear. I walked over, lifted its tail and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, right in the middle of the cow's backside. Still holding up the cow's tail, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey this looks like yours!' "
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings,tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday,I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, John.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
*************
There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.
The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!
"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.
"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I."
***********************
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the kerb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb???
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 1 to move it to the Lighting section. 2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section. 7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 5 to flame the spell checkers. 3 to correct spelling/grammar flames. 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid. 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp". 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct. 19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum. 11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum. 36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty. 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs. 4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's. 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group. 13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too". 5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" 13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs". 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb???
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 1 to move it to the Lighting section. 2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section. 7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 5 to flame the spell checkers. 3 to correct spelling/grammar flames. 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid. 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp". 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct. 19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum. 11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum. 36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty. 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs. 4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's. 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group. 13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too". 5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" 13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs". 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
A man went into the vegie shop and asked for a kilo of tomatoes.The shopkeeper told him come back in a week.The man returns the next day, and again asks for a kilo of tomatoes. The shopkeeper again replies to return in a week. The man goes back the next day and again asks for a kilo of tomatoes.The shopkeeper replies: "What do you get if take the c out of cat?" "At." "What do you get if you take the d out of dog?" "Og." "What do you get if you take the f out of tomatoes?"There is no f in tomatoes," the man replied."Thats what I have been trying to tell you!"
Superman was feeling bored after a long day of crime fighting and wanted >to go out and party, >so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some >girls. Batman said >Robin was ill and he had to look after him. >A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a >few beers. >Spiderman told him he had a date with Cat woman. As a last resort, >Superman flew >over to Wonder woman's apartment to see if she was free. >As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder woman naked on the bed with >her legs open. > >Superman thought to himself: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could >be in there, >have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening". >So Superman did his Super Thing in a split second and flew off happily. >Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder woman said: "Did you hear something?" >"No" said the Invisible Man, "but my a** hurts like hell!".
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