A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were: The short story had to contain the following three things: (1) Religion (2) Sexuality (3) Mystery
Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class. "Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it."
DEMOCRACY = Voters deciding by Poll on who will be the local member that "Big Business" will push around.
Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Pat were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across thepark.
The man came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, opened his trench coat and exposed himself.
Gertrude and Maude both had a stroke.
But Pat, being older and feebler, bless her heart, couldn't reach that far.
A northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager, "Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute. The pig's ok but he's stuck in the bull bar at the front of my ute and is wriggling & squealing so much I cannot get him out".
The manager says "Okay there's a 303 behind the seat, take it out and shoot the pig in the head & you'll be able to remove him".
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back. "I did as you said boss. Took the 303 and shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on."
"Now what's the problem?" raged the manager. "Well Boss, it's his motor bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right front wheel arch..."
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi, you dumb f*ck. Someone has stolen our tent."
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.
The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly.
He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."
"No sh*t?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued. "Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'" "Keep going!" "I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss." POOF!
"The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, 'You now have three wishes.' I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, 'I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger.' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, 'What will be your second wish?''"
"What next?" begged the bartender. "I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
"Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, 'You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?'. I looked at her and replied, 'How about a little head?'"
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest biker in the face and says, "I went by your Grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine-looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your Grandma and she is good - the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell yo u something else, boy. Grandma liked It!" At this point, the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes, and says, "Grandpa... Go home, you're drunk!"
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingy through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"...
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
A couple, both aged 70, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
The doctor charged them $82 for the session. This happened several weeks in a row: the couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no apparent problems, pay the doctor, and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man replied, "We're not trying to find anything out. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Sheraton charges $90 and the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $82, and I get $68 back from Medicare."
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?" The guy said no and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook and farted whenever she wanted.
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