An elderly man really took care of his body.
He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day.
One morning he looked into the  mirror, admiring his body,
And noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.
He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis,which he left sticking out of the sand.
A bit later,two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out
Of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around
With her cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she
Said, 'There really is no justice in the world.'  
The first little old lady replied, 'Look at that. When I was 20, I was
Curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40,  I asked  for it. When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I  prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it.''
Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild,
And I'm too old to squat.'

Bath in Holy Water
>
> It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the
> young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and
> towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
>
>
> Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father
> John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told
> her to do, and pray.
>
>
> The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the
> Saturday night bath had gone.
>
>
> 'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been
> saved.'
>
> 'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.
>
> 'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me
> to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand
> down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key
> to Heaven.'
>
>
> 'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.
>
> Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if
> the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would
> be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal
> peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my
> lock.'
>
> 'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.
>
> 'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway
> to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God
> would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt
> so good being saved.'
>
>
> 'That wicked old b******' said the old nun. 'He told me it
> was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!

There was this German lad who came out of the closet one day an announced to his mother that he was gay.

After thinking for a while, she asks him: "Hmm, does that mean you put your thing into other mens rectum, and they into you?"

"ja Mutta", he says,

"Hmm, does that mean you suck other mens persönliche Teile,, unt they yours?"

" ja Mutta",  he replies

Thinking quietly for a moment, she grabs a frypan and belts him on the head, shouting "Don't you ever say my cooking tastes like chit again!"

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Let's be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.
Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'
'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2008! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'
And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'spose to pick dem up?'

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms.
They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.

             * Nike Condoms: Just do it

             * Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling

             * Ford Condoms: The ride of your life

             * Optus Condoms: Yes!

             * Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going

             * Pringles Condoms: Once you pop you can't stop

             * Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day

             * Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum - (available in Tasmania only)

             * Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected

             * VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now

             * Swan Lager Condoms: They said you'd never make it....

             * Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek

             * Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?

             * Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together.

             * Quicken Condoms: Quicken Easy

Siamese twins walk into an Ontario pub and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two beers please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?" "Off to England next month." says John. "We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the landlord. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..." "Nah, we don't like that British crap." says John. "Hamburgers beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they can be so arrogant."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the landlord.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."

On a tour of NZ, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the ocean for some sightseeing.

He was cruising along the beach at Wanganui in his car, when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.

A helpless man wearing a green and gold Aussie rugby jersey was struggling frantically to free himself, from the jaws of a 5-metre shark.

As the Pope watched horrified, a Waka cruised up along- side with two men wearing All Black jerseys.

Rangi quickly threw a harpoon into the shark's side. Hohepa reached out and pulled the mauled, bleeding and semi-conscious Aussie from the water. Then, using long clubs, Rangi and Hohepa killed the shark and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope summoned them to the beach, 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions,' he told them. 'I heard that there was some bitter rivalry between New Zealand and Australia, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true.'

As the Pope drove off, Rangi asked Hohepa 'Who the hell was that, bro?'

'That was the Pope cuz' Hohepa replied. 'He's in direct contact with God bro, and has access to all of God's wisdom.'

'Well' Rangi said, 'he may have access to God's wisdom, but he don't know bugger all about shark fishing... Is the bait holding up okay?

Quoted from LB

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

I like that...

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,
'SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD!' WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST
APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS
FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME
NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON
SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD
TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD
ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY D O YOU ASK?'

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT a**,

GREY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT

SON-OF-A-B$%#H ASKED,




'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???'

Talking of which, the reason for Paul McCartney and Heather McCartney's break up was due to him giving her a false leg for Xmas. Wasn't her main present, just a stocking filler.

Why do women wear make up and purfume?

Because they are ugly and they stink.


What do you call a black man flying a plane?

A pilot you racist.

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...


One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me  
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.


Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. '


She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.


Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down.'


So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.


Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.


She responded, 'The b^^&^&%^% used coins!'  

LMAO tasman!!!!!