Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail -- and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him . . . . .
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!
A group of 7 year olds were asked at school to tell the teacher the word that best describes a vehicle for transporting the sick . . . their reply was . .
DEMOCRACY = Voters deciding by Poll on who will be the local member that "Big Business" will push around.
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." ********************************* The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?" ******************************* Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
********************************* My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied. ******************************************** A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?" *********************************
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife." *********************************
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen ********************************** A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said " I was being the Ring Bear
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One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me! ************************************************** And one particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." ******************************* One student's prayer: "Now I lay me down to rest, And hope to pass tomorrow's test. If I should die before I wake, That's one less test I have to take." *******************************
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, "you know, I think my girl was dead!". "Dead?" says his friend, "Why do you say that?". "Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her." His friend says, "could be worse I think mine was a witch." " A witch!? Why the hell would you say that?" "Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite... then she farted and flew out of the window."
A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian: "Excuse me,day ye hiv any books on suicide?" To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says: "F***k off, ye'll no bring it back".
Two blokes are pushing their shopping trolleys around a supermarket when they collide.
The first bloke says to the second bloke, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".
The second bloke says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".
The first bloke says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like"?
The second bloke says, "Well, she is 26 yrs old, 5 feet 11 inches tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big jubblies, long legs and is wearing tiny little shorts and a crop top. What does your wife look like"?
The first bloke says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee..."
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