Please direct all your concerns regarding Blonde Jokes to PAULA! A blonde breaks down at the side of the road and calls RACQ. The mechanic arrives and starts to look things over, and within a few minutes the car is idling smoothly. Blonde, "What's the story?" Mechanic, "Just crap in the carburetor." Blonde, "How often do I have to do that?"
Three blonde sisters went to a garage sale and bought a Genie lamp and took it home.
When they got home the Genie came out and said: "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you." The first said, "I wish I were more intelligent." So the Genie turned her into redhead. The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than her." She became a brunette. The third blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than both of them." So the Genie turned her into a man.
To make a woman happy..... a man only needs to be: 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a partner 6. a master 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a carpenter 10. a plumber 11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist 15. a gynecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organizer 22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic 26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intelligent 30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34. understanding 35. tolerant 36. prudent 37. ambitious 38. capable 39. courageous 40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 44. give her compliments regularly 45. love shopping 46. be honest 47. be very rich 48. not stress her out 49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself 51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself 52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: 53. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes
Warning: If you have better "standards" than me, please be cautious when reading the following.
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all been working in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P. F. N.): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of the Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS: Seldom-used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. You can also use that moment to noisily procure a handful of toilet paper.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion.
So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with very big tits
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
(wait for it)
Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."
Once: upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
Men Keep scrolling...
By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.
This is an email joke I got and laughed when i read it. Here it is:
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks: "Son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, you tart, I'm married!
Broken furniture $85.26 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Red Rose bud $3.00 Two Aspirins $0.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless...
We rode on the winds of the rising storm, we ran to the sound of thunder. We danced among the lightning bolts, and tore the world asunder.
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husb and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going though a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the 30 years she had charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.....
DEMOCRACY = Voters deciding by Poll on who will be the local member that "Big Business" will push around.